Approaching Integrity

All Men Are Sexual Healers; Transparency, the podcast with Robert Allen and Anna Marti

2009-06-13T15:56:00.001-07:00

All Men Are Sexual Healers; Transparency, the podcast with Robert Allen and Anna Marti

Friends, Teachers, and Practitioners:

For some time I have been working on a free audio home course entitled All Men Are Sexual Healers.

This series has been developed for men who love women, and want to love them better.

As the first podcast, I'm pleased to announce the release of a 45 minute dialogue between myself and educator Anna Marti.

The subject of our talk is Transparency, the fine art of being open and honest in relationships.

Future releases include dialogues with Robyn Lynn , LaSara Firefox , Tallulah Sulis , and Nina Hartley .

My hope is that these interviews might be of interest to not only yourself, but your friends and clientele as well. All Men Are Sexual Healers is Creative Commons Licensed for easy sharing. Enjoy the talk.

Anna Marti Interview

Robert Allen
www.approachingintegrity.com

New Approaching Integrity Bookstore

2009-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

New Approaching Integrity Bookstore. Proudly brought to you by Powell's Books.

Approaching Integrity Bookstore and Recommendations

Good and fruitful reading,

Robert Allen
www.approachingintegrity.com
rogue.papa@gmail.com

Men's Health Magazine and 850 Women Weigh in on Men and Sex

2009-06-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Men's Health Magazine and 850 Women Weigh in on Men and Sex:

http://menshealth.coverleaf.com/menshealth/200905/?pg=139

We, as men, clearly need to work a little harder and allow women the pleasures we are honored enough to receive and experience from them.

Robert Allen
www.approachingintegrity.com

Guest Blogger LaSara Firefox on What Women Want

2009-05-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

Guest Blogger LaSara Firefox on What Women Want

What Women Want - Ten Secret Turn-Ons, for Men Who Want to Know by LaSara Firefox, MPNLP, http://www.lasarafirefox.com

Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you. And it's not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we've been working on this one since the dawn of time, I'm pretty sure.

But I'm also pretty sure we're starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin'-new ideas.

I may be a dreamer, but I say there's a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.

Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Ready? Here are ten secret turn-ons that may change your life forever.

Turn-On # 1: Focus, or Presence:
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.

This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let's let the levels rise together.

This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven't seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.

Turn-On # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I've changed my hair, or that the pants I'm wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.

When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.

When you figure out that I don't like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that's what noticing is about.

Take the time and attention to notice me. I'll do the same for you, and let's see what happens!

Turn-On # 3: Showing me Gratitude:
When you show me that you're thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you're grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.

When you tell me you're proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a "feminist" to say, I love it when you claim me.

When you tell me you're grateful that I'm such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!

Remember to say thank you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I'll be thanking you.

Turn-On # 4: Confidence:
Don't second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that's what I mean.

And, don't second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that's really what I want. When you don't believe me, I'm likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.

I know it's a wound we're working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren't supposed to ask for help, and men weren't supposed to offer it.

Well, the time they are a changing - again!

Even as a woman who can still handle it all - if I have to! - I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don't want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.

Turn-On # 5: Vulnerability:
This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, "oh, wow, he trusts me!" way.

Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you're willing to get vulnerable with me, I'm going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.

Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I'll still be here when you're through it. And as you trust more, so will I.

Turn-On # 6: Honesty and Transparency:
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can't, don't, or won't ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.

And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know...that fantasy you've been holding back on sharing might be just the one I'm dying to explore.

Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there's no edge that's point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you'll gain the golden key.

Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let's build that foundation.

And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there's another part of transparency that's really important to me.

If I ask what you're thinking, or feeling, or what's wrong, please don't say nothing, when it's really something. I'll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don't give me the low-down when something's up, as you probably already know, I'm going to make up some kind of crazy story about what's behind your silence.

Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you're not sharing with me.

Whatever the truth is, it's better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it'll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.

And you know what's awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?

Turn-On # 7: Face Fear Head-On:
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they're mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.

In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.

When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground - we've all been there!

Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I'll open to you.

Turn-On # 8: Responsiveness:
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.

That doesn't mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!

There's no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.

Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we'll find our way.

Turn-On # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.

In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.

Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.

And, The Big Turn-On # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:
When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn't always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.

Even when I'm angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I'm hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.

And if I can't, something might really be wrong!

Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.

Remember; I'm loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I'm pretty sure we'll be able to make this thing work!

LaSara Firefox,

www.lasarafirefox.com

...

Thanks LaSara. As men we will to our loving best to step to your challenge!

Robert Allen

www.approachingintegrity.com

rogue.papa@gmail.com

The Evolution of Dad, Michael Kimmel on Relationships and Gender

2009-05-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

The Evolution of Dad, Michael Kimmel on relationships and gender

Righteous, right on, and funny, writer and teacher Michael Kimmel hits the nail on the head on modern relationships. I'll let his voice speak.

Robert Allen

rogue.papa@gmail.com

Free Approaching Integrity Newsletter

2009-05-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

If you enjoy these posts on men, sex, intimacy, and relationships, please join the Free Approaching Integrity Newsletter by clicking link: Approaching Integrity Newsletter.

Robert Allen

www.approachingintegrity.com

Memorial Day Remembrance 2009

2009-05-25T08:31:00.001-07:00

Memorial Day Remembrance 2009

Memorial Day commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War It was expanded after World War I to include American casualties of any war or military action. The Memorial Order of 1868 is such a moving statement of honoring, it's reprinted below in full.

Peace to those that protect and protected us in times of war, and peace to the soldiers abroad now that we all want Home.

Memorial Day Order

I. The 30th day of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet churchyard in the land. In this observance no form or ceremony is prescribed, but Posts and comrades will, in their own way, arrange such fitting services and testimonials of respect as circumstances may permit.
We are organized, Comrades, as our regulations tell us, for the purpose among other things, "of preserving and strengthening those kind and fraternal feelings which have bound together the soldiers sailors and Marines, who united to suppress the late rebellion." What can aid more to assure this result than by cherishing tenderly the memory of our heroic dead? We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. All that the consecrated wealth and taste of the nation can add to their adornment and security, is but a fitting tribute to the memory of her slain defenders. Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.
If other eyes grow dull and other hands slack, and other hearts cold in the solemn trust, ours shall keep it well as long as the light and warmth of life remain in us.
Let us, then, at the time appointed, gather around their sacred remains, and garland the passionless mounds above them with choicest flowers of springtime; let us raise above them the dear old flag they saved; let us in this solemn presence renew our pledge to aid and assist those whom they have left among us a sacred charge upon the Nation's gratitude—the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan.
II. It is the purpose of the Commander in Chief to inaugurate this observance with the hope that it will be kept up from year to year, while a survivor of the war remains to honor the memory of his departed comrades. He earnestly desires the public press to call attention to this Order, and lend its friendly aid in bringing it to the notice of comrades in all parts of the country in time for simultaneous compliance therewith.
III. Department commanders will use every effort to make this Order effective.
—General Orders No. 11, Grand Army of the Republic Headquarters^[1].

Robert Allen
www.approachingintgrity.com

Cosmo Tells All?

2009-05-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

Cosmo Tells All?

Cosmo (still) Tells All; Does this article teach women to be their men's moms? Or does it teach collaboration in desire? Things to agree and disagree with inside. What do you think?

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationships/What-Makes-Men-Fall-in-Love

For a lively discussion, see my Facebook page.

Peace

Robert Allen
www.approachingintegrity.com

David Deida and The Way of the Superior Man

2009-05-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

David Deida and The Way of the Superior Man

David Deida speaks to the core of men's and women's relationships today. And he speaks directly. So much self help today does not promote the self or help, but remains generalized in abstractions, magical thinking, and manifestations.

David Dieda takes a positions. Thank god for a man with beliefs. And even if I don't always agree with, he makes me think.

That's the mark of any great writer, any great speaker.

His larger position is that love and work is possible when we know our agreements and understand our desires. A position I think we all at least reach for, but more work is always better.

This morning I read from Deida's "The Way of The Superior Man" and thought I would share it as food for intimate thought.

From Deida:

". . . the point in intimacy is not simply to make the best decision,but to make the best decision while maintaining the force of masculine/feminine polarity that attracted you together to begin with. If that polarity begins to diminish,conflicts will begin to increase.When that polarity disappears, attraction disappears,and the life of the intimacy disappears with it."--David Deida

You and your partner can be all that you can be as soon as you know who you are. And when she knows who she is and what she wants as well.

What's sexier than that?

Robert Allen

www.approachingintegrity.com

Guest Blogger, Adam Gilad: "How To Be An Inspirational Man"

2009-05-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

Guest blogger Adam Gilad is an outstanding writer and trainer. In his most recent blog post, he inspires men to inspire others, especially the women in our lives. I'm pleased to reprint the article in full:

How Are You Inspiring To Others?

Well, Spring is in full gear.

The flowers are seducing the bees. The deer are romping in the woods near my house above the Pacific.

So, I’m asking you… what are YOU doing to improve your social and sexual life? Are you static? Are you saying the things you’ve always said? Parroting what seems to work for other kinds of men? Are you stuck in habits of the familiar simply because you they are familiar? And aching to break out into a new phase of your life, but you don’t know how? The key question as always — are you evolving?

My personal and professional theme for 2009 has been evolution. Not the kind with feathers and differentiated beaks, but the kind that has you, as a man who may be part of my community, develop a stronger spine, a deeper heart and a more expansive, uniquely individual purpose.

If you are interested in attracting a quality partner, you’ve got to ask yourself: what makes you a more integral and powerful man? How are you an INSPIRATION to women — not because of what you demonstrate to them, but because of who you authentically are.

There is no point in being part of my learning community if you are not going to grow into being a more resonant, magnetic presence and a more purposeful, admirable man among men. Because ultimately, women want to ADMIRE you. More that that, they NEED to admire you if they are not going to find you boring, narcissistic and uninspired, sooner or later.

So let me ask you something...

What are women going to admire you for? For what aspects of your life do they admire you now? I’m reading a great book called “Igniting Inspiration,” right now by an author (and new friend) named John Marshall Roberts.

His book is about effective communication and how to INSPIRE different types of people, specifically for public speaking and persuasion.

If my work about online and offline communication is about anything, it’s about taking your life and your attractiveness to new levels. If you’ve read my book on online dating — now revised and improved as Deep Attraction Online, then you already know that I counsel that you communicate how you SERVE others in your profile, through your family, your work, your vision of life. Because that, believe it or not, is who you really are — it is your heroic core, even if you might think that how you help people isn’t that important.

About midway through John’s book, he details four specific types of people, and what it is they “serve.” I want to share it with you because I think it might help you articulate how YOU serve the world (although you don’t think of it that way, yet).

As you read this list below, think hard about your life. Chances are you embody one of these types more than the others. In this is a clue to what women may find admirable about you — and a clue to the type of woman who you would easily connect with. The four categories of Service are:

1. Purpose

2. Profit

3. People

4. Planet

Let me put this into language that might reflect what’s in your head, and could shine through your online profile. Think how you can take the spirit of each of these “types: and translate it into how you communicate yourself, both online and offline:

PURPOSE — “I am all about principles. I know right from wrong and I’ll die defending what I know to be right and good. I am a bottom line person who believes that we are not here to indulge ourselves, but to build something good, right and strong. If that means self-sacrifice, fine with me. I’m not about me. I’m a soldier for the good.” (Archetype: The keeper of order, the strong king, the protector)

PROFIT — “I believe in individual expression and I am the kind of guy who is going to get out there and create what I want. There is nothing more glorious than a person picking himself up by his bootstraps and shaping the world around his will. If people were honest, everyone would go for what he wants, but I understand that others are scared or weak or just can’t muster up ambition. I am on a journey and what I value in a woman is someone who “gets” that I’m here to make my mark in the world and will be by my side as I do so.

(Archetype: The self-made man, the entrepreneur, the business leader)

PEOPLE — “I am an evolved and evolving man, who has no interest in the winner-take-all approach to life. I know that success is win-win, and that every person deserves respect and to be heard. I don’t make decisions rashly. I listen. I try to understand what the other is saying, and I am happiest when helping to bring people into alignment and progress. I love women who are compassionate and spiritual, who have a great love not only for their men, but for humanity as a whole.”

(Archetype: the wise man, the fair king)

PLANET — “This planet is in peril and the systems that are running things are poisoning our food, weakening our bodies and setting neighbor against neighbor. The old ways of doing things must end and I consider myself a spiritual warrior for the evolution of the species and as a defender of the health of the planet.”

(Archetype: the visionary, wizard archetype, the protector not only of family and town but of all beings)

Do any of these resonate with you? Or do you embody other archetypes that you believe women find admirable? (If you have others, write me at Adam@deepattractiononline and I’ll share them with the community.)

Note that these “types” move fom the more traditionally masculine to a more “new masculine.” Try not to judge the ones that you are not. They are all valid and all have admirable qualities — and each will resonate with a different category of woman. Namely, the category that is best suited for your — and her — happiness. So, here’s your assignment, today…

1. Own Your Virtue: If you ever apologize for who you are — don’t. Not everyone has the same values, and what you really want is a woman who admires you for your category of values.

2. See women who already admire your kind of masculine service. It’s easier to connect and you are more likely to create a happy partnership

3. Online Profile - work what makes you admirable into your profile. If you’re unsure how to do that, write me. I am considering running a marathon telephone workshop one day soon to help guys who want to learn how to do that. But only if there are enough guys who express interest. Meanwhile, be sure to make DeepAttractionOnline.com work for you — think beyond mere attraction. Communicate what makes you admirable as a man.

I will be including John Marshall Roberts in my monthly training program at www.TheCompleteAttractor… where we focus on how to INSPIRE a woman (by living an inspired life). We do this so that you can inspire the best kind of woman to love you.

Because when it comes to intimacy, it doesn’t get better — or more inspirational — than that.

There is nothing more invigorating than the love and support of a great woman. Aim high.

And live the life you dream of…

Adam Gilad

www.adamgilad.com

How to be Transparent in Parenting

2009-05-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE TRANSPARENT IN PARENTING

Showing up for our kids happens on many levels of participation.

We try to create a comfortable and abundant home life.

We try to create and endorse safety in the world.

We show up where our kids need us, from activities of daily living, to instilling values; in the more demanding times, and in play.

And we show up for kid’s questions, and pay attention to what we’re modeling.

But what happens when the questions get hard for us to answer?

What happens when kids stop asking what the stars are made of and if the tooth fairy will come, -- but instead ask about sexuality, teen issues, alcohol, marijuana, other drug use, cigarettes, the internet, media, politics, gender issues, racism, war?

Have you thought ahead about how you'll respond honestly and clearly?

If your kids are old enough to ask, it means they are ready for an answer.

Are you ready to answer openly?

Do you know what your values are?

“Transparent” comes from a Latin word that means “to appear”, and that’s what you’re doing when you are being honest and transparent, you show up, you appear as your kids need you. And they need you to tell the truth about the world. The context for that truth are your family values.

Your children are looking to you constantly as the model of adulthood. As a parent you are seeing your kids as the miracle of creation, creativity, and possibility.

So ask yourself the hard questions before your kids ask you.

Be prepared for The Questions. Coming soon to a dinner table near you.

Transparent and honest answers will help shape your children's values, and build the levels of trust necessary for any successful and happy family.

Robert Allen
www.approachingintegrity.com

Men, Anger, and Arguments; Some Do's and Don'ts

2009-05-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Men, Anger, and Arguments; Some Do's and Don'ts

Sometimes arguments just happen. And in those moments, anger can flare.

Voices are raised. Postures are struck. Positions are held.

Of course this never solves anything.

Men have a tendency to strike threatening postures and assume hostile stances when sparked to anger. It's fight or flight in it's most aggressive form, projected outward, to the one you love.

And this lacks respect.

Or, men close down, finding anger and the accompanying emotions too overwhelming.

And sometimes, men just want to be right, at any cost.

To avoid falling into argument, the answer is clear communication and assertiveness. Psychologists Harry Mills and Mark Dombeck say that to be assertive is to communicate respect for yourself and for whom you are communicating with at the same time.

You'll become more honest in your interactions by using assertiveness skills (as opposed to aggression). It takes practice, but in time healthy assertion can become your natural response.

When your temper flairs during an argument, here's a list of a few do's and don't's to get you through disagreements with your mate:

DO Breathe Deeply

It's the old standard, breathe in and out slowly with full breaths until your mind calms. In moments of high emotion, oxygen to the brain is your friend. If you don't believe it, try it.

DO Think Clearly

Now that you've calmed yourself, stop and use your head: Why am I angry? Why do I feel out of control? Do I really want to hurt my mate or dismiss her feelings? What's my part in this disagreement?

Stay relaxed and allow clarity.

DO Act Appropriately

Now it's time to problem solve, regroup, reframe, allay the anger, and work toward agreement. Let the outcome be positive understanding, not resentment.

DON'T Close Down

Don't do that guy thing and get cold, walk away, or otherwise end the argument passively. Stay engaged, and be part of the problem solving.

DON'T Act Aggressively

Aggressive posturing and raising your voice is threatening and disrespectful. All you'll earn is distrust, not agreement. Don't do it.

DON'T Accuse

Don't name call, don't blame, don't insult. Use sentences that begin with "I", not "you." Gain clarity before negative emotions make you say things you'll regret.

Using the skills above, arguments can be cooled. And possibly avoided.

And that's good for you both.

Robert Allen

www.approachingintegrity.com

God is in the Details.
--G. Flaubert

Contact Me: FacebookTwitter

Men, Anger,and Arguments; a Few Do's and Don'ts by Robert Allen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at www.approachingintegrity.com.